Angles

I have three fibroid tumors wreaking havoc upon my uterus. I’m tired, all the time. I’m in pain, all the time. I’m emotional. I’m insecure. I’m overwhelmed. I’m bloated. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m not myself. 

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I spend a lot of time in bed, eating the wrong things while binge watching television shows, browsing through Facebook, posting witty status messages and taking strategically angled selfies.  

I look so much better than I feel in those pictures.  

It’s all about the angles, right? It’s all about putting my best face forward. It’s all about highlighting my assets and hiding my imperfections.  

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I play up my eyes a LOT.

I hide my body.  

In hiding my body, I hide my pain.  

I feel like my body is a true reflection of who I am...but not a very good reflection of who I want to be. 

I don’t want to be this person who has a uterus the size of someone 5 months pregnant...in turn, making me look 5 months pregnant.  I don’t want to be this person walking through life in a pain filled fog.

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I used to be able to hide it. I used to be able to push through because that’s what women do, right? We push through our pain to make sure everyone else is ok. We make sure everyone else’s needs are met before half-assed focusing on our own.

I’ve known since November of 2018 that I needed a hysterectomy. At first I postponed it because I didn’t want to miss my son’s Bootcamp Graduation in March of 2019. Then my daughter got engaged and I decided to wait until November because I had a summer full of familial and professional obligations and I didn’t want to let anyone down.

It wasn’t until a horrible weekend in April that I realized I couldn’t continue putting off my surgery to fulfill my obligations to other people.  

I could barely walk. I could barely breathe. The pain was so intense I thought I was dying.  

I had to fulfill my obligation to myself.  

So in a few days I’ll have my hysterectomy. I don’t want it but it has to be done to improve my quality of life...cuz what I’m doing right now...that ain’t living.  

My angles have to change in preparation of this surgery. My angles need to be honest.  

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So here I am...pregnant looking belly... anticipating a major surgery, a long recovery, and a new life without the burden of carrying this pain.

I don’t hate my uterus. She gave me two beautiful children.  But it’s time to say goodbye to, not only my womb, but to unnecessarily pushing through pain.  

I am my ACTUAL truth.  

Not what I WANT it to be.  

And in being my truth, I have to learn to be my own peace.