I've disappointed a lot of people by not writing...but the person I’ve disappointed the most is myself. I start and stop. Start and stop....and then I just... stop.
After a phone call from a friend last weekend, I realized I needed to get fired up for writing again. I needed to start doing what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing as opposed to what I've been unhappy doing for the past 20 years.
In order to start the process again, I had to look at what I've written and determine what's been blocking me.
In life, I've had to look at my surroundings and get rid of the clutter. Clutter can be people, places, things, emotions, thoughts...it can be ANYTHING.
Clutter holds us back...even things we feel we NEED to hold on to. There are certain things we feel obligated to hold on to. There are things we are afraidto let go of for fear of drowning. Sometimes we are holding on to the very thing that is hurting us. We are holding on to the very thing that holds us back. We must find the strength to let it go.
I've been writing the sequel to Slow Burn since 2008. I recently looked at the 50,000 words I've managed to complete and identified the clutter. Sadly, that clutter was in the form of 20,000 words. 20,000 words that meant so much to me...that were a PART of me. It was like cutting out a piece of my heart but, just like in life...even our hearts can hold onto clutter that we need to let go of. It's like that bad cholesterol that clogs your arteries, making it hard for your heart to beat in a healthy rhythm.
This morning, I found myself listening to the music that fueled this book when I started writing it in 2008. It was music I had not listened to in years because it pulled up too many painful emotions. Those emotions used to be happy...but certain events in my life had given way to negativity and pain being transferred to every chord and lyric. Life experiences had distorted every pleasant memory associated with those songs.
This morning, as I was about to turn that music off, a voice said, "no."
"This pain, this joy, these memories are what started you on this path. You need to see this shit through. You need to FEEL these emotions because EMOTION is your personal writing tool. EMOTION is why people are so affected when they read what you've written. EMOTION is what turned you into a writer and EMOTION is what will keep your creativity flowing."
So, I turned the music up. I listened…and I remembered...and I laughed...and I cried...and I sang along...and I realized...
I've been so afraid of THESE emotions...I've unconsciously held onto them and allowed them to continue to hurt me instead of releasing them into my universe and allowing them to help me.
The hurt is still there. The pain is still there…but so is the joy. They belong to me and I’m going to use them to fuel my passion.
The tears I’ve spent years avoiding didn’t kill me. They cleansed me. They freed me.
Everyone has a right to be free. Freedom paves the path to purpose.