Have you ever written something when you were all up in your feelings...only to delete it and start over because there isn’t really a nice way to say what’s on your mind?
I censor myself often because I don’t like hurting folk’s feelings.
I censor myself because the comfort of others is often more important than my own comfort.
In his poem, Mother to Son, Langston Hughes wrote, “Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.”
I keep a smile on my face...even when my crystal stairs feel wobbly. Even when they shatter and I realize, what I thought were crystals were really just shards of glass.
I keep smiling, even when I’m telling people how exhausted I am as they chastise me for not keeping in touch.
Even when not calling or texting was my way of self care.
Because sometimes I just need some time to decompress and distance myself from everyone else’s problems and focus on fixing my own.
Conversation can be exhausting when you’re overwhelmed with critical tasks.
Sometimes I need time in between my two jobs to enjoy the small bursts of time I have with my husband and my dog.
Sometimes I just need time to put my phone on silent and be present in MY moment without sharing that moment with anyone else.
Sometimes I just need to rest.
I need the opportunity to take that time without feeling like I have to explain myself to everyone who feels neglected when we don’t speak for a few days...without considering how often I HAVE been there...despite what was going on in my own life.
A wise woman once declared, “I ain’t sorry” and the world didn’t end.
I. Ain’t. Sorry.
I’m exhausted and there are times when I just want to be my own company..and I’ll no longer be apologizing for that.
Sometimes...instead of always being there for others...I need the rare opportunity to be there for myself.
Sometimes, I have to cease taking responsibility for everyone else’s feelings...at the cost of my own.
Because I can’t be everything to everybody...but I have a responsibility to be mentally and physically healthy for myself.
I ain’t sorry.