That Time I Pulled Over on a Country Road to Take Off My Spanx
By the way, that time was today.
I feel like I saved a life, possibly several, and it’s all because of my quick thinking and my willingness to flash passing cars to keep myself from passing out at the wheel.
I should probably explain.
Today I got all dolled up for my cousin Andrea’s wedding. I’m talking eyeshadow, highlighter, the WORKS. I felt prettayyyyy…but my waistline was being hella disrespectful. I’ve lost a little weight and although my pants were actually a tad too big in the waist…my abs wouldn’t let me be great, not even for a special occasion.
I had people to see and selfies to take. There was no way I was going to do that with a pooch so I put on some spanx. Now, I’m kind of an idiot, so my spanx were a size too small…ya know…to make me look EXTRA slim. I also wore a cute top that made me look even slimmer if I tied the sash extra tight.
After the wedding I began to feel a little uncomfortable and fifteen minutes into the ride home I knew I had a problem.
“I can’t breathe in this shirt,” I told my sister as I took one hand off the wheel to untie the sash. “Grab my T-shirt out of my suitcase, I need to change.”
“Change?” She asked, “WHERE?” The way she said it was to the tune of, “HOW, SWAY?”
It took forever to find a place to pull over and, by that time, I had ridden at least 5 miles with my shirt hanging open and my bra hanging out on top of my spanx tank top. I didn’t care. Once I found a place to pull over, I proceeded to pull off my fancy shirt and put on my Peace, Love, and Hip-Hop t-shirt.
I still couldn’t breathe.
“Ummm,” My sister said, “Do you think you can drive all the way home in those spanx?”
Home was three hours away.
It’s like she was trying to make me feel like she truly cared about my comfort…but secretly she didn’t want me to pass out and drive us into a ditch.
She was right tho…I still couldn’t breathe, and I was starting to overheat.
I pulled those spanx off right there in the car…and then I took a selfie because, why not?
The life I saved could have been yours.
It could have been mine.
It could have been my sister’s.
I guess this is a life lesson I should heed.
You can’t keep forcing yourself into spaces where you don’t belong. You’ll suffocate.